The world's first guide to bodily consuming a standard 5 - 5 1⁄4 oz baseball!

Inspired by this post, which was inspired by this earlier post. (Update here)

After reading that post, I kept on wondering if it would be possible to eat a baseball. It would not leave my mind. I started to ask around the Luther ball team and not a single person said that it would not be possible, but there was much heated debate over how long it would take to do it and not "get seriously messed up". The team at large seemed to come to the conclusion that the most dangerous part would be the rubber in the center. It was mostly agreed upon that the leather on the outside, the cotton string, and the cork in the center would be relatively harmless (and in fact, one could put all three of those components down in under a week).

Having exhaused the conundrum with the baseball team, personally, I still was not satisfied. I then consulted some STEM majors in a very regulated and scientific poll on a Saturday night over a couple mojitos. We began to investigate the toxisity of the rubber and look more closely at how the wool yarn might bunch up in ones intestines and cause blockages, but after a couple hours of debate and research, the group decided to focus on other things for the night.

I was still unsatisfied. Obviously this calls for a deeper investigation into the plausibility of eating the constituent parts of a regular baseball. The primary question: is it possible, and if so, how long would it take an average person to eat a baseball safely so as to not get "messed up"?

Following this, I decided that it was time to consult the experts. I had heard of the disorder Pica before, probably from some TLC show that is ethically questionable at best, what with exploiting people's mental disorders for television, and vaguely entertaining otherwise. Anyways, I investigated what doctors, experts, and researchers were actively publishing papers on Pica or similar conditions. I won't name them at large here, but suffice to say that they let me down and I am quite cross with them. Here is the email that they would have seen appear in their inbox:

Hello Dr. _____, I am hoping that you would be willing to do a favor for a random person you do not know. I am an avid baseball fan and have recently been posed with an interesting question: could an average person wholly consume a baseball by taking it apart and eating small parts of it with meals without significant health issues? And if so, how long would it take to eat the whole baseball? I'm hoping that by talking with you, I can gain some insight into what pica is and how consuming non-foods (specifically the constituent parts of an mlb baseball) affects one's health. Please let me know if you are interested, and rest assured that not I, nor anyone I know, will be trying to eat a baseball or any other sports ball. From the Lion's Den, Daniel Opdahl ([email protected]) "Beware of solipsism" - Jerry Spinelli, Smiles to Go

No response. I emailed 5 experts in the field and no one replied. I did not receive a single response. Not a peep. Not a single polite "Sorry, I am not interested." Not a single rude "Fuck off, you lazy college brat." Nothing.

Actually - I change my mind. These are the people I emailed: Ms. Murray (graduate student at Drexel University), Dr. Thomas (Harvard University), Dr. Nanjunda (research assistant?), and Dr. Salloum (University of Rochester). Guys, if you ever read this, a reply of any kind would have been nice.

What's more, they didn't even respond to my follow-up email!

Hello again, I wanted to send this again just in case you missed it by mistake. From the Lion's Den, Daniel Opdahl ([email protected]) "Beware of solipsism" - Jerry Spinelli, Smiles to Go

Again, silence. I've been ignored before. The first time a girl responded to me wasn't until I got to highschool because Maya said I was slimy in 5th grade and I guess a nickname like "slimy Dan" a major turn-off for young teens. But being ignored by medical experts when my question is one of genuine interest and earnest... stings.

We will have to press on despite these emotionally challenging and dark times... Oh Maya... Why 'slimy'?

Spring and Summer 2020 update: I had planned on continuing with my line of inquiry by reaching out to more general doctors and researchers in the field of food and eating medicine and science, but with the advent of COVID-19 and the global pandemic it has caused, I thought that rather than my inquiry being a fun, interesting little game for these healthcare workers and researchers, my ridiculous questions would only add burden and clog systems that other people depend on at the moment. It wouldn't be right of me to take up the time of those people when they may be working incredibly long days to save extra lives at this time. For that reason, I've suspended this project. But it will return. My curiosity has not abated, nor my boldness. Not remotely.